“Send the Body Bag to Glenn Beck!”
The Left just knew that they were right about the the tragic death death of U.S, Census worker Bill Sparkman. They just knew it! How could the progressive and high-minded ever be wrong? An actual employee of the federal government, the U.S. Census (?) no less, hanging from a tree in Clay County, Kentucky?
“Come on! I mean Clay County. Kentucky.”
“Wait a minute, they called Henry Clay the Great Compromiser? Helped end slavery in Washington, D.C.? Helped California be admitted as a free state? Ran for President on not allowing Texas into the Union for fears it would reignite the debate about slavery and force war with Mexico?
In 1957, a U.S. Senate committee -headed by John F. Kennedy- named Henry Clay the greatest Senator that ever lived.”
“Never mind. These are dark times of crisis, no time to niggle about history and whatnot. Who really cares about who Henry Clay was and why this stupid little county in the Kentucky backwater was named after him. Sparkman was found hanging from a tree!
“I agree, this calls for the intrepid Southern Poverty Law Center to earn their pay. There is such a threat of right-wing violence today, isn’t there?”
(reading newspaper) “Well, says here he wasn’t exactly hanging from a tree?”
(in unison) “We’re better than that!”
“But this is Lower Glennbeckistan territory. This is the place, in 2009, where the right-wing goes to die forever and the progressive and high-minded prove their courage and the reason they can be counted on to stand against paranoia and bigotry of all kinds, even if we do falsely accuse innocents from time to time.”
“Wait. What? It was ruled a suicide? By whom?”
“The State Police, the FBI, the U.S. Forest Service, the State Medical Examiner’s Office, and the Clay County Coroner’s Office.”
“How? Well maybe these notorious government forces have colluded in a cover-up… a, well, nevermind.
Whispered aside-(Yes, I got the memo! I know, we’re in anti- conspiracy mode now!)
(in unison) “Anyway we know SHE caused it!”
(SHE is journalist Michelle Malkin, the diminuitive Asian terrorist fear-monger right-wing extremist standing with a teabagger below at one of their teabagging gatherings in the nation’s capital. We said “teabag” twice there-do we get enlightenment points for that?)
“Hey, wait! Look.”
“There, in Tampa Bay, one of those air-conditioned nightmares of a Florida City with sprawl creating McMansions and Disney-mesmerized idiots; some stupid Marine Reservist, pumped up on imperialism, roids, and anti-Muslim hatred attacks a Greek Orthodox Priest because some old men discussed Islam on a radio station in Buffalo, New York!”
“And those old men, they were talking about Islam at a time when a Muslim Army Major, perhaps in touch with Islamic extremists , slaughtered 13 American soldiers at Fort Hood, Tx?!”
“Yes! It’s true. Hard to believe, I know.”
“That’s why the world needs the progressive and the high-minded so much! So we can make these complex connections for the idiots we have been so unfortunate to be born in the same era with. And who interpret the world only through their bigoted instincts.”
“We are necessary because we need to inform the vast American brainwashed population (we just happen to disagree with on public policy) that:
1) Their fears are irrational and solely based on ignorance and bigotry, while our fears our reasonable, because we primarily fear them!
2) Their paranoia about the government is totally irrational and based on bigotry, but our paranoia about the government is rational and based on even-tempered analysis at ALL TIMES. There is the notable exception however, of when they are in power. Which brings us to:
3) Even though the right-wing extremists “feel” that we gratuitously hurl unfounded insults and invective their way, falsely charging them of crimes they did not commit, positions they have not taken, and back it up (if forced to) with illusory historical references, that is not the case at all.”
“Because we say so, that’s why.”
“And don’t forget, we are also necessary, so we can eventually blame HER, somehow, for every random act of violence in America.”
“Wait, the Tampa ‘Lance Corporal’ is speaking? Can the guy even put two coherent thoughts together? The Priest grabbed his genitals? He’s confused about the charges?”
“Hah! What kind of tea-bagging knuckle dragger would question the integrity of a man of the cloth and create civil disruption like this? Progressives certainly don’t…ahh.”
“Well, he still may be guilty.”
“No, he is!”
(In unison) “Because we say so! (Phew! That usually works. It worked for global warming!)”
“They will never catch on! (Er…teabaggers).”